I don't know where or how to start this post nor do I know where it's going or how it's going to end. It's a little out of my comfort zone because I'm used to my usual outfit posts and photo diaries of what I've been up to recently, but I've never composed a post where I've predominantly just written about my personal current situation. 
All I can say is that it's 21:58 on a Saturday night, I'm sat in bed with two hot water bottles warming me up, a giant mug of green tea on my bedside table, and I'm surrounded by tea lights which I've sporadically placed around my room. 'Bad Habit' by Foals is on repeat and I'm filled with a mixture of emotions that are a combination of loneliness, happiness and freedom, with a hint of nostalgia as well. It's the Rugby World Cup and I believe that Wales vs England is currently on. I actually feel like I'm the only person in Wales that isn't watching the game but that's okay. I enjoy my own company. 
Oh, and I forgot to mention that I left my job today. Undoubtedly, this acts as the main catalyst for my odd combination of emotions. Now, I'm not one to leave a job and start bad mouthing the company that employed me because, quite frankly, I did rather enjoy the year and a few months that I spent working there, but I guess the purpose of this post is to highlight how important change is for us. I know it's not exactly a new topic but it's just relevant for me at this time. (I should also mention that I've just put 'Bookends' by Simon and Garfunkel on repeat which will more than likely change the direction of what I'm trying to express). 
I always knew that this year would be a significant year for me. Significant because it's the first full year that I've spent completely on my own (I've been in two long term relationships since I was 17). Earlier this evening, I finally plucked up the courage to delete the number of someone that I had past relations with. This may seem a little trivial, but it has taken me 10 months and I now feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel calm and I guess I have garnered that sense of freedom as well. I wish I could understand why it's taken me so long but all I know is that I am proud of myself for doing it. I accepted that we were incompatible at the beginning of the year but by changing the way that I perceive certain decisions and situations, I'm no longer bitter about what happened. I used to imagine how perfect it would be if Lacuna Inc was real so I could make an appointment to completely erase him from my memory. I wished this for a long time when things ended, but that kind of mentality and outlook is not healthy. It's unhealthy because it's not reality. Lucuna Inc is the clinic from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. How deluded I was to ever wish that an idea from a film could solve my personal trauma. 
What I've learnt from this chapter of my life is how to accept the act of letting go gracefully and welcoming what is right for you. I find comfort in knowing that the few months we spent together were bliss for me and that he played a significant part in my life for that period. He was in my life for as long as God intended for him to be and I've accepted that he no longer is. I can only hope that he won't be filled with regret should he ever look back and think of me in the years to come. 

This year has also been significant because it's the year where I've chosen to walk alongside Jesus and accept him as my saviour. Is my level of faith where I want it to be? No. Not at all. I still have a long way to go. I'm satisfied with where I currently am, but I am so excited for what God has in store for me in a weeks time, in a months time or in a years time but I know where I have to allow my mindset to be in order for this to be fulfilled.
One of the most meaningful preaches that I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing stressed on the importance of 'focus' and, if you will, this can be taken out of the Christian context and it can be applied to a more secular situation. 'Focus' on change. If you're unhappy with your current job and find the tedious nature of routine emotionally and physically draining, then focus on what it is that will fill your days with arrays of challenges, excitement and growth. These are the different factors that contribute into the accumulation of change that will happen in your life if you let it happen. I think it's such a beautiful thing. I really do. 
Through learning on how to constantly focusing on God, I have allowed Him to be the centre of every decision that I make. I have learnt how to drop my pride and instead, understand how to trust His timing. His timing is perfect. Leaving my previous job marked the end of an era but God has blessed me with a new job. The past year acted as a learning curve but God has blessed me with a loving family and a church filled with the most courageous and passionate bunch of people that will continue to encourage and inspire me as I keep walking close to Him.

Wow. It is now 23:16, my green tea has gone cold and I've come to the realisation that 'Bookends' has been on repeat for over an hour. However, Primark tea lights are still going strong. 

Ruth X 

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