Finding comfort

I don't even know where to start. A friend of mine once said that when you like someone for over a year that it transgresses into 'love' from 'like.' 

For me, the worst part about the current situation that I'm in , is how I've ended up losing a lot of respect for myself. At the end of the day, it's not even about pride. It honestly isn't. I can assure you that. I just cannot fathom how I've allowed myself to get so worked up and so controlled over an individual that once claimed to care about me. An individual that once meant so much to me. My heart always breaks knowing how highly I think about someone that doesn't think about me at all. Don't worry, I think that I'm pretty pathetic as well.

A year has passed since he asked me out on our first date, and I was always so assured that I would be completely fine about everything by now. Yet, here I am, laying on my bed at 00:32 on a Friday morning, contemplating exactly what the purpose of my life is. I am so confused. I don't think that anyone will ever rad this, but I'm going to post it anyway as soon as I'm satisfied with whatever I've written. Sure, I'm being overtly dramatic because I've basically inhaled 2-4-1 cocktails this evening with some friends from my old work place, but I just fail to understand exactly why I still have such strong feelings for this guy. I really don't. I mean, is there a time limit on when you can stop having feelings for someone? Or am I not supposed to ever 'get over' this guy because (despite the way things ended between us) he was, in fact, someone that did create such a significant impact in my life for a short period and I just haven't met anyone else to this date that has matched up to him? So after all, I'm just infatuated with what he represents in my life as oppose to who he actually is as a human being. Although, I do think that I tell myself this in order to make myself feel better. It's sad really, isn't it? 

I never thought that it would ever take me this long to 'get over' someone but in an obscene way, I find comfort in knowing that I've got so much time and love to give to someone. It is a shame that it's for someone that doesn't seem to care about me at all, but it's okay,  you know? It's okay because I know that one day, I can exude all of this to someone that will appreciate my time and love, and to someone that will accept what I can give and also give back in some form. 

Ruth x

1 comment:

  1. Oh I am so sorry! I know how you feel, as do so many other people! It's a horrible thing to go through but even though it hasn't happened as quickly as you wanted, you will get over it. The strong feelings of loss and love with ease and you will be able to give so much love to someone who will see how special you are. When I broke things off with my ex, I expected to be fine after a week. Its 7 months later and I still find myself speaking of him and thinking of him. Not as much as I did and it is a relief. Keep strong Girl, you'll get through this! x