Whenever I'm about to start composing 'one of these posts,' I'm always anxious thinking that I won't express my point fully or that I'll completely miss the point all together.
My previous two posts were pretty much dedicated to my attempt at trying to get over some unnamed guy. I'll be honest, after reading them back I'm questioning the authenticity of how I'm expressing myself. For example, I wrote how I'm no longer bitter and how I've learnt to let go with grace, but in retrospect; that couldn't have been further from the truth. Don't get me wrong, they weren't necessarily lies because that's the outcome that I've always wished upon, so by telling myself that it was reality, I would eventually believe it. How foolish I was to think like this!
I've come to realise that I struggled so much because I was never honest with myself or with God about the situation and how I was truly feeling. I've lost count of how many times I would drive my prayers around it as oppose to actually addressing it to save my embarrassment in front of God. My apologies, I'm being a little vague here; 'it' refers to my personal trauma that was consuming me.
I have an awesome God. I have a God that wants to set me free from my personal traumas and battles that I'm fighting, no matter how trivial and insignificant they may seem.
On Wednesay I attended Vision Night that my church held where my brilliant pastors spoke about the vision for our campus here in Cardiff. Towards the end, we were invited to step out at the front should we wish to be prayed for. Now, this is something that I've always avoided in the past because I would be too embarrassed to share this information with anyone else in depth but there was something different about that evening. What's significant is that one of the lyrics in the songs that we had sung repeated, 'It is finished,' which my pastor also emphasised on during the evening as well. All of a sudden, those three words started to portray and hold so much meaning for me.
One of the coaches in my church approached me and prayed for me the most eloquent and prophetic prayer. What's so beautiful about that moment was how she encouraged me to say the three words that I hadn't ever said or even thought out loud in my head. Don't get me wrong, I've never struggled with forgiving others, nor have I ever struggled to accept an apology, but what's been so interesting about this battle was how I had accepted the sequence of events but I had never actually stated that I had forgiven him. Funny, because I know that having a forgiving heart sets you free from pain yet I never did it. I tell myself that I probably resorted into liking the idea of forgiving him and moving on, more so than I did into actually doing it.
I've more than likely waffled on and completely missed the point again, but I just want to end this post with a Bible verse. Whether you're a believer or not, this verse is so profound and it's so relevant for each and everyone of us that is fighting a personal battle, no matter what stage we are currently in in our lives.
'I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.' - Romans 8:18
Ruth x
That really is such a nice quote, I wouldn't have thought it would come from the bible :) Thanks for this! AND it take real honesty to accept that you're not being completely honest with yourself, and lots of difficult reflection to even realise! Good for you xxx
ReplyDeleteJesska - Opal Soul