A week has passed since Vision Night and I know that the series of events that occurred this evening were a challenge from God.
I won't go too deep into details, but aforementioned guy (from the last three posts) and I were both in attendance for a mutual friends birthday meal and had this taken place a few months ago, I know that I would have spent the whole evening being hopeful that he might start to think that I'm pretty again, or that he'll notice something funny that I've said so he'll come to the realisation of exactly why he used to want to spend time with me in the first place. I sound deluded because these expectations were not healthy. They were unhealthy because in my head I tried to project these qualities about myself onto him in such an unnatural manner.
However, what's left me feeling so great is how my focus and attitude throughout the whole evening reiterated just how wonderful God is and how much he has strengthened me since last Wednesday. It may sound clichéd, but I do genuinely feel so much stronger and I believe that I have overcome the array of sporadically placed obstacles that were knocking me down for almost a year.
Now that I've embraced a forgiving heart, He has allowed me to truly view the situation, amongst others, with such a clearer perspective and with more grace and understanding. For example, this evening I observed certain characteristics of his that reiterated exactly why we would have never worked out anyway. His level of immaturity was truly evident. It's sad really, isn't it? In the past, I probably would have referred to these characteristics as his 'flaws' that probably made me develop feelings for him or something, but presently I'm looking at everything in a completely different light.
Reading that paragraph back, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me so I can only imagine your confusion and I apologise profusely. All I know is that it makes some sort of sense in my head. I digress. Let's just say that this way, I can shift the energy that I used to put wholeheartedly on him into something more fruitful and worthwhile. That realisation alone is so beautiful, isn't it?
This quote from Into The Wild is one of my most treasured: 'When you forgive, you love, and when you love, God's light shines on you.'
Ruth X
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